Whether the environment is at home, at the workplace or in a legal divorce discussion or negotiation, there are basic “rules of the road” that will lead to successful, non-adversarial collaborative participation.
Foremost among these is to take full and complete responsibility for what occurs in the environment. This does not mean one is responsible for everything that occurs in the environment; however, one is responsible to the environment whatever occurs. There is a big difference. For example, we cannot be responsible for the behavior of others, and we can be responsible for responding in a clear, non-judgmental and appropriate way to help improve what occurs. We cannot control the outcomes, and we can control what we bring to the outcomes.
This brings us to the next rule – before going into a situation it is helpful to have in mind what is the outcome we want. I am talking about the relationship outcome or the situational outcome rather than the specific content outcome. How do we want to feel about the outcome? How do we want it to look? And what can we do to bring that about? If we have as a priority preserving the relationship with integrity, for example, then we will act with integrity in respecting and giving full consideration to the other party.
This will require us to be aware of and monitor our more primitive emotions that may impulsively prompt us to lash out, blame or see the other as “the other”, rather than as a partner in the environment, however different may be our preferences and priorities. This could require us to take a brief time out to cool down or reset our emotional tenor. It is ok to do this.
We will also need to be open to some semblance of putting ourselves in the other party’s shoes; learning what is of importance or interest to them; learning as best we can how they feel about certain issues and what these issues mean for them. It is certainly ok to say: “I am interested in knowing why that is important to you. Please tell me.”
What helps in doing this is our ability to discern the values we may share with the other party and building on those. We both want what is best for the children, for example, or we both want the outcome to include preserving the relationship.
If even one of the participants in a situation keeps in mind these rule for the collaborative road, it will go far to ensure a satisfactory outcome.