The Difficult Emotions of Divorce
Divorce and Emotional Suffering
As anyone who has been touched by divorce may know, including this Tucson divorce attorney (in ways both personal and professional), such forms of emotional suffering as stress, anguish, anxiety, fear, anger and sadness all seem to come with the territory. And, divorce, like many of the myriad difficult processes we may go through in our lives, often has us in a state resignation. We say, “this is just the way it is and we might as well try to live with it.” We do look for ways out, like blaming others, denying how we feel, or diverting or burying ourselves in busyness, but in the end at some level we often come to say “such is life.”
While there is no denying that all forms of suffering seem just to be part of “the way we come” as human beings, perhaps a closer look at the root cause of suffering will at least point in the direction of its’ alleviation. And, while the cause of suffering is simple to ascertain, real effort is involved in ameliorating or ending it.
Simply stated, the cause of suffering is resisting or arguing against, reality. And, how do we know when we are resisting or arguing against reality? We hurt!
The first question that may come up in more fully understanding what it means to resist or argue against reality is what do we mean by reality? A simple definition is this: reality is anything that exists.
Let’s use a common relationship example in a divorce situation, or being in a relationship that appears headed in that direction. Here, we might find that wife is clear and unequivocal in stating her desire to be divorced, and she is unbending about moving forward to do so. What would it look like for husband to be arguing with reality, thereby causing himself untold suffering: He would try to talk her out of it; he would tell her she “shouldn’t” feel that way (when she does); he would attempt to deny what is going on; he would fight or resist at every juncture what is happening in his life. The result for husband is misery in all its’ many guises.
In a different way, this might also be the case for wife as well, if she is experiencing frustration and anger railing against the reality of husband’s resistance, wondering why he won’t “just accept” what is going on. Both in this case are arguing against the reality of what actually is existing with the other. As a result, both suffer in their onw ways.
The above is a time worn example of arguing against reality and the suffering that ensues. Such is this universal law that is born out in every instance: Argue against reality of what is actually going on and you lose; but only 100% of the time.
The way out in this example is also simple, and again, often most difficult in the effort: Let go of the resistance to what is going on, including not only what is happening with the other spouse but the genuine grief and heartfelt ache that may come from the other’s decision to divorce.